Have you heard it said that “children are resilient”? Do you agree that kids rebound from difficulty more easily than adults?
Consider this: The more often a child or adolescent experiences traumatic events, the higher the risk of long term damage. Effects can include emotional damage, negative coping behaviors, and even serious health conditions.
What is “trauma” for a child? Only the child can say! But when stress isn’t processed, it may remain, and accumulate.
Kids living a globally mobile life deal with huge amounts of stress. They’re not just moving house and changing timezones. They’re also changing language and culture. They’re changing schools and curriculums. They’re losing teachers and friends over and over again.
Whether an event is labeled stress or trauma isn’t the point. If a child feels helpless and doesn’t have enough support to process, that stress may stay in the body for many years. Later we may see behaviors like bottling up emotions or having difficulty trusting people. We may even see increased risk of anxiety or substance use and addiction disorders.
Luckily, you can help your children process stressful events. Below I’ll share three methods.
Method 1 - Art helps you access deeper emotions more easily
Does the idea of doing “art” stress you out? I understand that completely! When we were in a family workshop and were told we were going to do “free drawing” about our feelings, my insides clenched. We hadn’t even begun, and I had performance anxiety. I could barely listen to the instructions. My mind said things like, “I’m not good at drawing. I don’t know what to draw. I don’t like coloring. I don’t want to ‘express myself’ with colors.”
I was handed a blank sheet of paper. I froze, afraid I would come up with NOTHING to put on that page.
I decided to let go of my expectations for this activity. I grabbed onto the idea that it didn’t need to be a drawing, nor a sketch, nor a recognizable representation. It didn’t have to make sense to anyone, and I didn’t even have to explain it. So I let my mind and heart wander, imagine, feel, and speak, through a combination of geometric shapes and words.
And I actually enjoyed it.
I decided to share and explain it to my family.
And I was hooked on using “art” to express deeper thoughts and feelings, even for those of us who are sure we’re not “artists.”
Go ahead, give it a try. Let go of your expectations. See what comes up.
How it looks in practice
After a very stressful week at our house, I set aside time on Saturday morning for our family to process.
We’d been indirectly affected by cyclone Kyarr. Even though we enjoyed gorgeous weather the whole time, the ocean got pushed into the gulf where we live. The water level was very high. Worse, it happened around the new moon, which means tides were already at their highest. Twice a day for several days, we watched the tides come higher and higher. The waves weren’t huge but the water was rough, with lots of churn and foam. The noise was incredible! Strange and creepy.
We stood on our front porch watching with awe and wonder, contemplating the awesome power of nature’s forces and metaphors for God and spirit. We watched as the earth was chipped away with each tide. We watched neighbors chase down items that were dislodged (like boats, refrigerators and couches), tying them up in desperate attempts to save equipment. We walked the beach during low tide, staring in disbelief at sand piled up against homes. We knew how much destruction that meant was also inside those homes. As each high tide approached, people gathered on the beach to watch. There was nothing to do but wait and watch.
Neighboring houses were completely inundated. Deadly debris – jagged bits of metal, heavy doors, and anything else you can imagine – was thrust into shore, into houses and roads. Meanwhile the land itself washed away bit by bit. Our house sits much higher than the neighbors, but eventually our front porch gave way. At that point we evacuated.
It was a school morning, so I had to get everyone ready for school as usual. Plus I had them pack overnight bags, and collect everything they needed for Halloween trick or treating and stash it in the car. Once they were off to school, I had only 2 hours before the next high tide to finish packing and make plans. It was a mad rush! What should I take? Should I try to prepare in some way for the house falling down?
I wanted to maintain “normalcy” for the kids as much as possible. I attended my daughter’s special assembly that day. We spent the night at a friends’ house, and joined in with Halloween celebrations. Thankfully, the landlord took fast and effective action, and we felt safe moving back into our house the next day. Tides were starting to go down. We had to scramble up and down a giant sand pile to access our house, but it was secure. It was much better to be in our own space than in a hotel or friend’s house.
All this happened while normal life carried on. Work, school, homework. Trying to plan a vacation for Christmas break. Making decisions about our next work contract. … You know, just the usual!
I tried to check in with the kids a few times and see how they were feeling, what they were worried about, but we didn’t have much free time!
When we finally had a quiet morning, I gathered everyone around the table.
First I put out some crayons, colored pencils and markers. I gave each person a large paper, and asked them to “color” about how they felt during the high tides. “Coloring” could be any type of drawing, sketching, writing, patterned or random application of color, or other expression through colored medium on paper.
We all got engrossed in our own creative effort as we discovered how to tease out and express complex emotions.
When everyone was done, I asked each person to share with the rest of us. “If you would like, tell us about yours; what does it mean?” We took turns listening as each person spoke.
I was so pleased with what came out during this session. There was so much personality in the drawings. We got deeper into the discussion than we had in previous check-ins. The time spent engaging with a creative medium helped us to let more out, in a safe way. We each had a unique contribution and perspective. We connected over the ways we’d felt the same, and learned from each other about how we’d experienced events differently.
We also spent quality time together. We formed a shared memory together in the act of drawing about it. By interpreting what had happened, we brought order and coherence to the disruption. We formed the series of events into a story. All this was done from a sense of safety. It helped us integrate the experience into how we understand ourselves.
Who knew you could get all that from a piece of paper and a crayon?!
Method 2 - Exercises for stress relief
After that, we tried out TRE as a family.
I recently read the book The Revolutionary Trauma Release Process: Transcend Your Toughest Times by David Berceli.
The basic premise is that all mammals have a built in mechanism to release stress, namely, involuntary shaking. You’ve no doubt seen a dog trembling during a thunderstorm, or a cat shivering during a car ride. Humans have the same built in mechanism, but have socialized ourselves out of using it. Do you relate to a sense of embarrassment if you “shake like a leaf” before or during a speech?
Berceli says any stress we don’t release gets stored in the body’s tissues and accumulates over time. But we can use stress relieving tremors to let go of stress. It doesn’t matter whether it’s current or past. We can let go of embedded tension holding patterns. He presents a series of simple exercises called TRE. It’s all designed to activate this stress relief and relaxation. It addresses the body’s deepest levels of physiology without the need for talk therapy or needing to verbally tell the story.
The book includes pictures and instructions for doing the exercises. Basically you go through a series of moves that tire out your leg muscles until they start shaking. Then you lay on the floor and continue with a series of moves that lets the shaking go further up your spine.
I found the exercise extremely enjoyable and relaxing! I would have gladly stayed there longer, if I didn’t need to get on with my day.
With the family I let it be a relaxed event. I put the pictures where everyone could follow along and read the instructions aloud. We each tried to do what was suggested, but I did not monitor, correct, or require others to do it “right.” There was a lot of giggling involved, which added to the fun and relaxation.
You might find this book in a library, or you could buy it on Berceli’s website or from a bookseller. I listened to it on Scribed. If you enjoy audio books, Scribd is a cost effective way to access unlimited titles for $8.99/month (you just don’t keep the books). In the audio book you’re told how to access a PDF with pictures and instructions for the exercises. [*Update: In March 2020 they released a video on YouTube making the instructions easily accessible.]
Notes –
1. I will say the audio version of this book is not a very good narration. Pretty boring, in fact. However, this may be fine since a number of traumatic events are described in the book. I was interested enough in the topic I could overlook the narration quality.
2. Berceli’s website says not to teach the exercises to others without proper training. That’s because of the dynamic of authority created in teacher-student relationships. So rather than teach it to you, I will recommend you get the book and learn the exercises for yourself. [*Update: In March 2020 they released a video on YouTube making the instructions easily accessible.]
3. TRE is generally not advised during pregnancy.
4. The more recent and raw a traumatic experience, the more carefully one should approach sessions. Try a session, and see how you feel the next day. If you feel fine, try another session. If not, wait longer between sessions.
Method 3 - Storytelling as a processing tool
A third way to address traumatic experiences involves storytelling with a safe person involved.
Ask the person to tell you what happened BUT don’t get into all the details. Mainly you want to find out how they felt. Re-living traumatic experiences by talking about or imagining them in detail is NOT helpful, and actually makes it worse. When they get to the difficult part of the story, stop. Paraphrase back what you’ve heard so far.
Then ask them to think of a “safe” person. This could be absolutely anyone they consider “safe” … past, present or future, dead or alive … whether a parent, other relative, friend, mentor, superhero, historical figure, imaginary friend, religious figure or God.
Ask them to imagine the situation again, WITH that safe person there in the situation. What would that person do, say, and change? How would the outcome be different? Ask how they feel about that scenario. As they go speak, paraphrase back what you’re hearing.
To finish, tell the whole story again: tell the new version they’ve imagined with their safe person. Include some context of what happened before and after. Tell it as a fairy tale, in third person.
This method was taught to me by Ulrika Ernvik, a family counselor. It’s described in much more detail in her book, Third Culture Kids A Gift To Care For, chapter 47, “Safetystories.” She developed the method for families and non-counselors to use, and it’s based on research on childhood trauma. She suggested that I first practice the method with smaller stresses. After getting the hang of it, progress toward more seriously traumatic situations.
Recently I got to use this successfully with my 3 year old.
The other day she came to me, crying. After a lot of drawing out, I figured out what had happened. She gets very upset when strangers get too close, especially when they pick her up. She’d been outside, and a neighborhood kid had been teasing, and then picked her up. She’d tried to hit him with her stick but that didn’t make him let go.
Once I had a good handle on what had happened and the general storyline, I asked her, “Would it have been better if Daddy were there to help you? What would Daddy have done?” I let her imagine. She couldn’t hold both scenarios (scary and safe) in her mind at once, so this completely shifted her response. It was amazing to see her entire demeanor change. Her eyes brightened as she imagined this other scenario. I could see in her posture that she felt confident and secure.
Since she’s only 3, I left it there. I was very happy with how this approach let her process a scary moment and turn it into a positive moment.
After reading Ulrika’s full chapter I realized it would have been even better to tell the story back to my daughter as a story:
- With a beginning, middle and end;
- With a heroine character who ran into trouble and was helped by someone safe;
- With language about how she felt (emotionally and in her body) and how she triumphed;
- With some added context making clear that the event was over;
- And noting how she could manage a similar situation in the future.
Your turn
What events in your own family’s life have been very stressful or traumatic? Sometimes a situation that does’t bother adults is deeply stressful for children. Think of times your children might have felt disempowered, deeply embarrassed, or afraid.
Would one of the strategies above help you or a family member? Find a quiet half hour to work through it.
Let me know what you tried and how it went! What changes did you observe?
Want more?
These activities are similar to those I offer in my Family Workshop. It’s designed to help families process transitions inherent in a globally mobile life.
We tap into the power of moving the body, free coloring, telling our stories, and more! Click here to learn more.
