I’ve always been a fan of validating my kids’ feelings first, before trying to redirect or correct. It’s taken a lot of practice to stop blurting out “helpful” responses that are actually unhelpful.
Over the years I’ve gotten a lot better at responding to my kids’ emotions. When they express something “difficult,” I can give it plenty of open space. Then I proceed with curiosity and finally comfort.
For example, if my daughter says, “I miss Rory” (best friend who moved away) … I’ll say, “Yes, she’s a special friend.… What are you remembering right now?” Rather than, “It’s good that you’ve made new friends.”
But I’m still learning!
This is a life long challenge
I have lots of room to grow, actually. This podcast episode really challenged me.
Preemptive Love podcast, Season 2 Episode 4 from August 6, 2019 – Talking with kids about hard things (war, violence, politics)
The episode has three segments.
1. Two parents living in Iraq know people directly affected by war and violence.
2. A family counselor talks about how kids interpret the world around them.
3. A parent who ran for political office explains how she taught her kids to view people you disagree with.
While listening to this podcast I had so many “YES” moments. It’s full of superb advice and exactly the approach I strive for to keep conversations open with my kids.
And I had some big “AHA” moments. On certain topics, I’m still in “protective” mode. I try to shield my kids from some conversations when I think they don’t really need to know yet. But that’s unintentionally sending the wrong message. Kids are picking up on way more than my direct words.
A personal example
Just this month a family member sent a concerned message after tensions with Iran heated up. The essence was, “This could turn very ugly; think it through carefully.” When my husband and I sat down to discuss the situation, I wanted our kids to leave. I didn’t want them to listen because I didn’t want them to worry. I tried to shoo them away.
But my husband’s instinct was spot on. He spent half an hour explaining the issues in age appropriate terms. I could tell the kids were reassured. And then they were happy to leave us to our own conversation.
Don’t deem any topics too mature
Here are a few points I wanted to pull out of the episode.
Family is the primary source of news, even for older kids.
Conversations around the dinner table can flow through any topic that comes up. That’s true even when young kids are present. Conversations can be based not on who’s at the table, but rather, the feelings and needs of who’s at the table.
Instead of avoiding topics because there’s a 3 year old and a 7 year old present, go ahead and bring it up, because it’s important to wrestle through. Engage them (if they want to engage) on an age appropriate level.
To say, “We don’t talk about politics” is a privilege many families around the world don’t have. In many places, politics directly affects the wellbeing and future of everyday people. Boom. Privilege rears its head again.
Even if we don’t bring up challenging topics, kids are very astute observers. They’re constantly connecting dots between events and making sense of their world. They can’t NOT come up with a conclusion or an emotional response. But … they’re often making the wrong conclusions! This can lead to kids carrying guilt, shame or powerlessness.
We have a responsibility to co-process
We have a responsibility to co-process what they’re experiencing in life. How do we do this?
Curiosity is key to opening dialogue. You can get curious around all sorts of topics: displacement, terrorism, poverty, racism, etc.
1. Ask. What have you heard? or What do you know about it?
2. Listen.
3. Clarify. Now you can correct and give a healthier narrative. Give enough information to guide them toward a truthful understanding. It can be a simplistic explanation, but don’t lie or “clean it up.”
4. Validate. When you’re tempted to reassure, pause. Allow space for their feelings. Be sure to affirm first before trying to comfort. If you say, “There’s nothing to be afraid of. We’re all fine. You’re completely safe,” it may not reassure. This actually communicates to your child that they’re wrong and their feelings aren’t valid.
5. Comfort. Ask, “What would you need from me to understand more or to feel safer?”
We can insist our kids treat ALL people with dignity
As our kids grow up they want to exert their independence and exercise their own power. This includes distinguishing themselves from people with opposing viewpoints. Kids may pick up a tendency to dehumanize those with different ideologies. We can counter that. We have to help them recognize they’re still talking to other PEOPLE.
Get your kids to imagine: That person goes to sleep at night. Wakes up in the morning. Eats breakfast. Goes to work or school. That person feels happy, and feels sad. That student has parents telling him or her what to eat and when to go to bed and to study for exams.
We can insist that they remember: people are still human beings, no matter what.
Your turn
Definitely give the episode a listen. I would love to hear from you — what “yes” moments and what “aha” moments did YOU have?
What challenging topics crop up in your part of the globe? Hop on over to our Facebook group and share your thoughts.
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