How can you set your family up for success in an international move?
My family has done two international moves that I’d call very successful. I’ve watched hundreds of friends and acquaintances go through the relocation process. I’ve followed many conversations online with expats in various stages of transition. And I’ve learned from now-grown children whose families lived overseas … what was helpful – and what was damaging – when they were moving around.
Certain themes come up again and again. It’s obvious that we expats need to lean on each other, and I’m excited to share what I’ve learned with YOU!
I’ll be talking in more depth about 7 aspects of healthy transition.
My Transitions Workshop for families addresses several of these 7 Ss. The workshop gives your family a common vocabulary and a common experience. Both of those help in talking about the highs, lows, and everything in between.
1. Set the Stage
Understand the stages of transition so you can know what to expect. I’m a huge believer that knowledge is powerful! Just knowing that what you’re going through is normal and expected can make a big difference.
There are several frameworks to choose from, and all will give you valuable insights. A common thread is that international relocations are fraught with stress … and we react in predictable ways. Knowing that reduces confusion during your emotional upheaval. Having a framework and vocabulary to make sense out of what’s happening is empowering and reassuring.
Which leads to my next point:
2. Say It, Susie!
It is so important to keep communication open and ongoing! The whole family is on a rollercoaster ride – together AND individually. Although you’ll all pass through stages, it may not be in the same order or at the same pace. There will be highs. There will be lows. Create a space where everyone feels comfortable expressing both highs and lows.
It may be tempting to squash “negative” feelings or to “spin” them into a positive. But those feelings need real validation and space. There are some very real losses that come with a move (see the next point).
3. Sadness & Sorrow
No matter how genuinely excited someone is about the next adventure, leaving is difficult. There are many losses … physical belongings, familiar spaces, friends, status and identity; the list goes on. Since parents make the decision to move, children are along for the ride and lose a sense of control.
Acknowledge all the losses. Make space for grief and mourning. Trying to focus yourself or your kids on the positives ahead does not address the sadness. Learn and practice healthy ways to say goodbyes, to avoid carrying unresolved grief into adulthood.
I have a free resource Saying Goodbye – 5 tips for dealing gracefully with the expat revolving door.
4. Social Stability
Having strong friendships is good for your health, and is even a factor in longevity! How can you maintain strong bonds with grandparents from a distance? How can you keep old friendships going?
I’ll talk about strategies for maintaining “old” relationships AND for connecting well in your new social environment. Finding mentors is an important piece of this journey. Mentors at work, for settling in and creating a new life, and for tackling your next transition.
I’ll be developing resources on making – and maintaining – vital social connections. Here’s one in the VIP Vault on Staying in Touch: Maintain strong connections, even from a distance.
One great way to maintain strong connections is by having a community of people who really “get it” and can support you along the way. Join our Facebook community.
5. Schools Savvy
A biggie on every parent’s list is school. In the short term, how will my child cope, adjust, settle in, fit in? In the long term, how can we set our child up for academic and career success?
You’ll have to face the fact that living overseas involves trade offs. Your child’s education will be different from back home or what you grew up with. Try to avoid constant comparison. In short, it’s important to align your expectations with reality. We all want the very best for our kids, and it’s natural to feel protective. When you need to advocate for extra support, learn how to do so without being a burden on the school.
I’m excited about a resource I’ve got underway for international schools families! I’ve been interviewing teachers, administrators and parents so I can put together a guide to help with the school side of an international move. [Tell me when the guide is published] I’m also collaborating on a series of articles and back to school guide for families returning to the US, that will come out this fall.
6. Sense of Security and Safety
Do you remember the moment it hit you: “I have no idea what to do if XYZ happens!” Maybe you realized there wasn’t a 911 service, no ambulances, or that you wouldn’t be able to speak to a police officer if you tried. Maybe you realized that your earthquake response training didn’t apply with radically different construction methods. Or that if your husband passed away, your children would be removed from your care until his closest male relative arrived to claim them!
When your security is swept out from under you, it’s a very vulnerable feeling. But you can ease your anxiety with some concrete and practical steps. A little bit of forethought and organization goes a long way.
I’ve got a some free, super practical resource for you in the VIP Vault: My Security Net – 10 Things to Know Before an Emergency. A more in depth emergency planning resource will take you further to be prepared for a wide range of “urgent” situations: the We’re Prepared Emergency Plan Workbook for Expat Families.
7. Stress Strategies
It’s a fact: moving will be stressful! You’ll have homesick days, overwhelm, and culture shock. So plan ahead and be prepared with coping strategies.
Think about what helps you (and your kids) unplug and relax. How can you accomplish the same result during your transition? (Is a bubble bath your thing, but you don’t have a tub anymore? Could a slow, steamy shower with candles give you similar relief, or do you need to opt for an affordable massage?)
Build in down time. You’re going to need R&R (rest and relaxation) amidst the chaos. It’ll be easier to do if you’ve planned for it.
Here’s a resource to help you develop your own personalized stress coping strategies: Self Care for Expats: Combat culture fatigue without spending a dime.
There you have it ...
… my 7 Ss for successful expat family transition. I’ll be going in depth on each of these topics in the coming months.
Which one(s) are you most excited to hear more about?
What to do next
Join the Resilient Expat Families Facebook group. From there, go ahead and
- Let me know what topic(s) you most want to learn about!
