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EPISODE 25 SHOW NOTES
Tips for Goodbyes
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EPISODE 25 SHOWNOTES
Tips for Goodbyes
BY KIM ADAMS
Click the “plus” below for the full show notes and the full text transcript. Scroll down for the blog post.
ABOUT YOUR HOST:
Kim Adams is an American raising three daughters along with her math-teaching husband of 20 years. She loves photography, reading, thunderstorms, walking on the beach, camping where there are no bugs, and has a weakness for mint chocolate chip ice cream.
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What would your community / group like to know about transitions care?
Did you know I’m available to speak to your international school or local community group? I can address a variety of topics around transitions (for all ages, leavers and stayers) and caring for TCKs. Email me at kim@resilientexpats.com to start a conversation about what your group needs and how I can help.
How to help a teen who resists saying goodbye?
I recently spoke to a parent group at an international school about transitions. Afterward, a parent asked,
“Do you have any tips for a teen who resists saying goodbye?”
If the issue is not knowing what to say, I’ve shared a list of prompts to inspire a meaningful goodbye toward the bottom of this post. But first, let’s look at what else could be going on.
If someone resists saying goodbye, what’s driving that resistance?
Let’s say you’re moving, or someone you know is moving. If your child (or spouse, friend or you) is resisting saying goodbye, my first question is, “What’s behind that?” Why are they resisting? What exactly are they resisting?
Here are five possibilities.
1. Is the resistance to saying goodbye a form of denial?
Is it because they don’t want to move, and are trying to put it off as long as possible? Thinking that by not saying goodbye, this thing they don’t want to face isn’t real.
I’ve heard from several people recently who had a teenager leaving the nest. Mere days before departure date, their teen hadn’t started packing yet. The parents were feeling stressed, but those teens were in no hurry.
This might be a form of denial. Some gentle nudging might help. Talk about the big feelings swirling around in the background.
Or they might not realize what a big job is ahead of them. They may have a mental timeline where everything fits, and simply not recognize what else needs to be squeezed into that timeline. (I’ve been there!) Even though they’ve been along for the ride on previous moves, kids have never been responsible for making it all happen before.
2. Is the resistance to saying goodbye because it’s so painful they simply can’t face it?
Let them know they’re not alone in those feelings. Share stories of others who’ve had very painful goodbyes and how they got through it. If they’re old enough it might be a good time to connect with some TCK groups on social media, or you can find articles in online magazines by and for TCKs
This is a great time to use creative expression to unlock those hidden thoughts and hard-to-express feelings. My Mosaics activity is one way to do that, and there are many others.
For help dealing with grief, try the book Healing Your Grieving Heart for Teens: 100 Practical Ideas Simple tips for understanding and expressing your grief by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. The language and the layout of this book make it very simple, straightforward, gentle, and accessible (not overwhelming).
3. Is the resistance to saying goodbye because they’ve already disengaged?
After you’ve disengaged, saying goodbye could feel like going back into the fray; it could feel more destabilising.
Disengaging is a normal part of the process of saying goodbye. Everyone goes through this. It’s part of coming to terms with the reality: The person moving has a new life in a different place that requires planning, and the people staying have an ongoing life in this place that requires planning. No one can hold tight to both simultaneously.
It’s good to be aware that this is a natural part of the process, and just try to not do it too soon. Because you still have a life to live here and now. It’s also good to recognize that it’s an individual process; there’s no standard timeline for when people will have made the switch. Some of the tension comes expecting our family members or friends to be at the same point we are.
People may not realize consciously how much they have disengaged. Bringing it up may be a wake up call … so wrap it in love. There’s no right formula for when it’s ok to let go of “here” and walk towards “there,’ but it’s helpful to recognize there are two sides: the experience of the person who is disengaging, and the experience of those they’re disengaging from, who may feel hurt or confused.
I think naming what’s happening is already a help. Knowing that it’s normal and natural is a help. And then you can move toward understanding with those around you.
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ABOUT HOST
Hi there! I’m Kim Adams, member of Expat Coach Coalition and licensed practitioner for Adapt and Succeed Abroad. I’m an American raising three daughters along with my math teaching husband of 20+ years, currently in Oman.
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4. Is the resistance to saying goodbye actually a sign that they have a different way to handle it than you do?
If your child (or friend) has a different manner of dealing with goodbyes than you do, what feels like resistance might be that you don’t see eye to eye about what constitutes closing that chapter adequately.
It’s important to honor your child’s own style and personality. What feels satisfying to them is good enough.
Some people want to have a celebration. Some people want it to be quiet. Some people want to express a lot, and some people are satisfied with a relatively minor statement or encounter. And that’s ok.
Also, people process these things at different times. Some people process far in advance, letting go little by little, savoring all of the “last times”, planning out what they want to say and how to commemorate the relationship, taking photos, buying gifts, etc.
That’s me. I look way ahead. Actually we expect to be moving a year from now, so I’m already thinking about my “lasts.” The last summer. The last “first day of school” is coming up. Throughout the seasons of the school year, I’ll be savoring those last times.
For other people, it truly isn’t real and doesn’t hit them until after. They may get through all the preparations in “normal” or autopilot mode. Once they get inside the airplane, or arrive at their new house, or when they get the urge to call on a friend or go eat at their favorite restaurant, it suddenly all comes over them.
My friend Anna says it doesn’t become real until AFTER the move, then all of a sudden she’s in a heap on the floor sobbing.
And that’s ok. If you and your child process things at different times that’s fine. As long as it is addressed.
What I hope to help you avoid is stuffing the feelings down so they don’t register much, and decades later it all overflows and your kids (now grown adults) aren’t sure what hit them. This does happen to many TCKs. While the transition to university can be extremely difficult, it’s often even later, in their 30s or 40s, when TCKs start to unpack their grief.
So let’s save our kids from some of that by unpacking it now.
Name it.
Hold space for it.
Talk about it.
Express it.
Find closure.
Find ways to stay connected across the distance.
And this starts with YOU unpacking it for yourself. Name it for yourself, in front of the kids. Talk with your kids about what’s going on with you. Show them what it takes to stay connected with your friends and loved ones.
5. Is the resistance to saying goodbye because they don’t know how?
I think this is really common for kids AND adults. Saying goodbye isn’t a life skill most people were taught very well.
For me, finding a sense of closure is about capturing and expressing the meaning of a relationship. This can be done in many ways. Here are some prompts to open the way that’s right for you.
- Share a favorite memory.
This could be just a simple note in a card, or on the back of a photo, in a video message or a toast or speech.
- Give a small gift to remember you by.
It can be very small, and this is easy for kids to do. “When you see this you can think of me.” My kids enjoy buying (or making) a set, one to give and one to keep.
Some people are really “gifted” at giving gifts, but it doesn’t come naturally to me (gifts is at the very bottom of my love languages). If you feel a little stumped trying to get something meaningful for another expat, check out the gift ideas I’ve put together for you. I still refer back to it when I need to find a gift idea.
- Share a poem, quote, or song that speaks to the friendship.
Words that sum up the quality of the relationship, the feelings you experience together, or represent the time period you shared. Music is an especially powerful way to evoke memories. These days it’s easier than ever to create a playlist.
- Share how you’ve been changed by knowing this person.
My favorite way to say goodbye is to let someone know the lasting impact they’ve had on my life. Has this person inspired you? Challenged you? Given you new insights? Made you grow? What difference has their presence in your life made? What of them will you carry with you?
One last tip: Start early.
If you’re in the international schools world you know what I mean by “farewell season.” Every spring we find out who’s leaving, and sometimes it’s a lot of people.
It used to feel so strange to think of saying goodbye to people weeks before the actual departure. But I’ve learned how hectic those last few weeks are … for everyone, even those who think they’ve got it well under control.
So do everyone a favor: Don’t leave your farewells to the last minute, because there won’t be time. Prioritize the most important ones, because there won’t be time to give everyone a “proper” goodbye.
But, you can do it afterward too.
If you got surprised by the last minute hectic dash and ran out of time, or if the emotional side doesn’t hit you until later, or if you got caught by pandemic restrictions and your goodbyes were completely unsatisfactory … you can still express what you need to and find closure afterward.
It takes a bit more effort, but you can still send messages, letters, gifts, have video calls, gather contact information and plan concrete ways to stay in touch.
Staying in touch does take some planning and effort. Check out my tips to prepare your mindset and expectations.
Do you have more tips to share?
Goodbyes is a big topic! What else did you think of while reading this? I’d love to hear from you.
And don’t forget, I’d love to visit your school, parent group, or community group to talk about transitions care and caring for TCKs.
Contact me at kim@resilientexpats.com.
If you’d like to tell your own stories with others who “get” you, join expats.together., a weekly live chat.
While launching the group program adapt.succeed.together., we noticed that a lot of people were looking for more connection and social support. We responded by creating a weekly live chat on zoom called expats.together.
Currently we’re doing a short Facebook Live every Wednesday at 11am CET, where we dive into a relevant (and sometimes provocative) topic. We’d love to hear your take, whether during the Live or in the comments.
Find details on the adapt.succeed.together. Facebook page under Events.
MORE EPISODES
ABOUT YOUR HOST
Kim Adams is an American raising three daughters along with her math teaching husband of 20+ years. She loves photography, reading, thunderstorms, walking on the beach, camping where there are no bugs, and has a weakness for mint chocolate chip ice cream.
As a member of Expat Coach Coalition, Kim is a licensed practitioner for Adapt and Succeed Abroad, a tested and proven program that helps you do just that: adapt, and succeed, no matter where you are.
