Ep 11. Self Care

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I feel like I’ve lost a month, maybe six weeks, of productivity. 

The first big thing was my brother being sick with Covid and eventually hospitalized with pneumonia (he’s doing well now thankfully). While that was going on I was pretty distracted and useless for anything business related. I had given myself a deadline for launching a new product, and simply could not focus. I gave myself grace in that, because … well, … 2020. Let’s just say 2020. I think you’ll know exactly what I mean.

The next thing was we had a mini holiday. A VERY MUCH needed break. Over the summer we’d gone away for 2 nights, and that’s it, the full extent of truly taking time off since March was 2 nights. So we really needed this, and it was idyllic. 

And then I got sick. I have to say, being sick during this time is kind of wild, on the psychological side of things. The most prominent feature was a dry cough, so naturally I wondered if it could be covid, and having just seen what my brother went through, it was even more concerning. I had a negative test result, but still did plenty of second guessing. It just was kind of a strange cold and took a long time to clear up. 

Towards the end of that, it was election day in the US. On the day of, I was prepared to not know anything yet, but the next day I fell victim to the temptation of checking the news constantly. And this election day, as I’m sure you are well aware, was like the movie Groundhog Day. It just went on and on. So that was another hit on productivity.

I’ve seen so much anxiety and tension and worry, from people all over the world, not just Americans. So many people were worried about this election. It was a really big deal for a lot of people.

But the reason I’m telling you these stories is this:

During these weeks I’ve been sick, I isolated in a separate room to keep my germs to myself. While I was there I enjoyed the time off duty. I didn’t enjoy being sick, but I allowed myself to notice and appreciate that I was excused from my normal responsibilities … and I didn’t feel bad about it.

That is a big change for me.

I did not begrudge myself the time off. I enjoyed my “vacation” from family duties. I watched TV like I haven’t in many years, and enjoyed it, didn’t feel like I was wasting time.

I didn’t feel guilty or neglectful about my work, I didn’t feel impatient with myself about it. Because I know I haven’t put it off entirely, but will jump back in as soon as I’m feeling well. And yeah, taking that time off exposed the shortcomings in my business: not having the backups and backlogs (didn’t have a podcast episode ready to go, didn’t have posts pre-scheduled, emails pre-written). But I was ok with all of that because I knew deep in my bones that I was doing what I needed to do to take care of myself.

What’s changed is I now have a deep respect for myself that’s beyond my output. It’s tied to who I am … who I am already, not who I am going to be, when I do that work or accomplish that goal. 

I’ve always thought of myself as extremely self confident. But my actions, the ways I put myself at the bottom of the list after everyone else in the family, work, and other commitments, tell a different story. That’s where I’ve had a big shift recently: Around self care.

What is self care?

Ahhhh, Self care. What does that mean??

I definitely used to think of it as a “treat” … probably expensive … more of a luxury to be indulged when I could afford it (financially or with time). Pamper yourself. Like going for an hour massage (out of budget in much of the world), or a manicure or pedicure (something I don’t enjoy), taking a weekend away (completely unrealistic for me with young children), getting a special drink like a coffee shake (frivolous waste of money on sugar, made me feel bad for treating my body badly, or I’d have an impatient feeling that I was wasting time and needed to get on with whatever else was planned for the day).

However, I learned in the past year or so that I was all mixed up about the term, “self care.”

And there’s a good chance you are too.

That idea of self care I described above is one that’s fed to us by advertisers trying to promote more spending. Retail therapy, if you like. “Here! If you’re feeling like something’s missing, buy more, consume more, to feel better.”

Ick.

So this is really simple, but I didn’t see it until someone told me straight up in simple words:

Self care is taking care of yourself.

Doing the things you need to maintain your self, your be-ing, to bolster, to maintain your health and wellness. 

It’s like taking your car for an oil change… a small price to pay for longer lasting working order. That’s the analogy that clicked for me. Do you take your car for an oil change every few months? Yes I do, like clockwork. Why? Because it’s preventative maintenance that keeps the engine in working order. I’ve decided that the cost is well worth the long term benefits.

So if I throw out my old ideas of “self care”, what does “taking care” of myself look like?

• Recognizing what I need & Giving it to myself
• Knowing what lifts my mood and energy & doing those things … regularly
• Putting myself on the list, along with my family members and colleagues, without feeling like I’ve cheated them somehow

How about…

• Doing my short yoga session every morning
• Sitting in the sun, listening to the ocean
• Walking in the sand
• Taking myself for a long walk – I say it’s for the dog but it’s just as much for me
• Turning on some music while I do chores
• Watering the plants and actually looking at them and enjoying them while I do it
• Putting a slice of lime in my water glass, because it looks pretty and I like the smell

Do these sound like self care to you? Do they sound too small to qualify as self care?  

Well for me, these are things that make a difference in my quality of life, in my mental state, my satisfaction. And that is good for me and everyone around me.

Self care is about establishing Good boundaries

If this sounds really basic and makes you say, Duh, of course I do things like that … then good for you! 

I know some people are very good at taking care of themselves. I’ve heard teachers, for example, who have drawn firm boundaries around their working times, and they fill that non-working time with hobbies and activities that fill their cup. 

This is different from those I’ve heard who “refuse” to work on weekends (or whichever timeslot). In those cases it’s more like vengeance after having been pushed too. When there’s a trace of bitterness in the boundaries, that’s not the same as taking care of yourself in the way I’m talking about. It’s awfully hard to fill your cup when there’s resentment built into the time, no matter how you label it (time off, me-time, my time).

So some of you may not relate to what I’ve described. But I have a feeling a lot of you will.

Self care is about ditching the mom guilt

I used to hear about “taking care of yourself” and I’d think, “what does that even mean?” I eat (well), I sleep, what else is there? 

This is probably the first time since becoming a mom that I didn’t have a twinge of guilt about leaving everything up to my husband. Of course he’s capable and very competent. So why is this feeling always hanging around, that I’ve failed at an obligation if I’m not there taking care of everyone else?

Learning about true self care takes practice

This new feeling I have, this acceptance of my own value such that I don’t question doing what I need to do for ME, didn’t happen overnight. I didn’t suddenly flip the switch and “Ta-da, I get it!”

Nope. It took maybe two years of practice. Starting to carve out small bits of time daily and weekly. For my breathing practice, for yoga, for reading new books that shifted my perspective. For meeting with others who were on the same journey of self development and discovery. 

And I had a coach for a year. We kept coming back around, again and again, to these ideas. Figuring out my own priorities. Finding ways to communicate that and to commit to making it happen. Figuring out what works for me… what works for ME, not what worked for someone else that I read about or heard about.

I’m sharing this because I think for a LOT of people, it takes time and it takes practice and it takes having a partner to keep you on track, point out to you what you ARE doing well, to remind you of how far you’ve come, to get you to see things from a different perspective, to bounce ideas around when you’re stuck. That’s what I got from my coach.

Working one-on-one with a partner speeds up the process of learning to take good care of yourself

And that’s what I can offer to you, if you’d like to work with me. I’m a licensed practitioner for a program called Adapt and Succeed Abroad, and this concept of self care is one small part of what we can cover.

In the coming weeks I’m doing some Preview Webinars, where you can get a taste of what it would be like to work with me. At the time I’m recording this, I don’t have a landing page all set up (yet), so for now, if you’re intrigued, send me an email at kim at Resilient Expats dot com, and tell me you want to get in on the preview webinar, and I’ll get you all set up. Pretty soon I’ll have a page where you can sign up, which will be linked in the show notes.

There are two topics I’m going to preview with you. One is around what I’ve been talking about today, self care; knowing your own patterns and paying attention to what helps you. We’ll also look at teaching this to your kids, raising their awareness and building their habits. The other topic is around relationships — making sure you’re satisfied that the people you care about know it and feel it, no matter how far away you are.

How it will work is I’ll send you some information to review in advance of the webinar, a short video that will lay out some concepts. So you’ll need to set aside 20 minutes before the webinar to watch that. Then we’ll get together for the preview webinar where I’ll give you a bit more to chew on, and you’ll interact with me through the chat, so it’s actually you & me really talking about things that matter to YOU.

In that way you can get a taste of what it’s like to work with me one on one. There’s no obligation, and I am confident you will get something out of it. So I hope you will join me. Send an email to kim at Resilient Expats.com.

Get your free handout for reminders on inexpensive self care options

Another thing I can offer you is a handout on self care. It’s a collection of ideas from expats, and it’s all things that don’t cost money and most of them can be done anywhere. That’s a free download in my VIP member vault, because if you’re like me, it’s good to be reminded of how many ways we have right at our fingertips to shift our mood and fill our cup. If you don’t have that already you can get it at https://resilientexpats.com/vault (https://resilientexpats.vipmembervault.com/products/courses/view/1000369/?action=signup).

Parents need to practice this to model for their kids

I feel like this is a critical lesson for parents to learn themselves, to practice themselves, so they can model for their kids, how to actually take care of yourself for the long term.

I see that I give conflicting messages. 

On the one hand I’ve tried to instill a desire and willingness to look for, to listen for the body’s wisdom. What is your body telling you? 

But I can see it’s been a relatively compartmentalized message, because I also give messages that come from my culture, the way I was raised, about the need to be responsible and dependable and productive. 

So sometimes I’m saying, It doesn’t matter how tired you are, you have to keep pushing, you’re expected to be there so you have to go, that’s not an excuse to not go to school.

I feel like the more I can get this straight in my own head, in my own life, the better I can help my kids take a healthy approach. 

And that’s what I want for you too.